If you have found yourself in a long term relationship or marriage with an INTJ, you may have already experienced your fair share of misunderstandings, misconceptions and continued realizations. In my experience, many of the issues that arise have very little to do with the INTJ themselves, but more the fact that they are highly misunderstood and almost nothing like anyone else with whom you have made acquaintance. It takes an open mind, time and dedication to get to know your INTJ, and I hope to provide a bit of insight into that process.
The INTJ does not play games
Don’t get me wrong; we love games! Scrabble, poker, Risk and many other games that require strategy and skill. When it comes to matters of the heart, personal relationships or our interactions with other human beings, there are no games to be played. We are blunt and will never sugarcoat the truth or drop hints to protect someone’s feelings or to get our way. We don’t understand this behavior, and have little respect for those that partake in it.
I guarantee that you will have several misunderstandings as a result of this. That is logical, since a majority of the population indulges in this type of behavior. It is a universal fact that we don’t, and I can assure you that you can believe every word that comes out of an INTJ’s mouth regarding our feelings, thoughts and perceptions. For quite some time, it will be hard for you to believe, that one can truly be honest about their feelings and intentions. Over time, you will learn that it is true and realize that you have put your INTJ through many unwarranted series of interrogations.
INTJs don’t do chaos and drama
We are well aware that some people absolutely thrive on drama and overall chaos in their lives. Shoot me. I don’t mean to be brash, however it is my experience that any drama and chaos has been directly linked to the INTJ’s significant other rather than the INTJs themselves. We avoid it like the plague and will not be pulled into it, as we are extremely rational and have no room for that nonsense in our brain cavity.
Don’t try and make us jealous on purpose, as it won’t work. Don’t try and pull us into your nonsensical issues with your frenemies, unless you want the blunt rational answer we will provide you. Don’t try and play stupid mind games with us, as we will see right through it.
If you are one that thrives on this, and doesn’t adjust to communicating your true thoughts and intentions 100% of the time, we will eventually walk. It is all too exhausting for us and a gigantic waste of our time.
INTJs don’t get mad
OK, we do get mad, but it takes an act of God. We rarely, if ever, get mad at things that are within our control or have rational solutions. Since most things do, the anger is rare. We may get frustrated, disappointed or otherwise, but rarely mad.
If you are one that desires chaos and drama, as described above, you will easily be frustrated with this. “Don’t you ever get mad?” Um, no. There has to be a damn good reason for it, and chances are, your little drama doesn’t even touch the thought of being a reason to raise the anger card.
The INTJ is weak at showing affection
A major hurdle with many relationships with an INTJ is the fact that we flat-out suck at showing affection. We are capable of showing it, however it is subtle and reserved only for those we deem very special.
In relationships from the past, I got in trouble for this more times than I can count. Past partners, of which I believed I was showing a ridiculous amount of affection, had trouble with my assumed “lack of affection”. It is all about perception.
The INTJ mainly shows their affection by being present, engaging in conversation and sharing our valuable time, and this takes a long time to come to terms with, even in the most passionate of relationships. We view an act such as “holding hands” equivalent to most people’s “being all over and dry humping you”. Touch of any kind is a big deal to us, and you should feel very fortunate to receive it, even if it doesn’t feel like enough.
INTJs need direct communication
This falls along the line of playing games, and we hold high regard and value in direct communication. We quickly get emotionally exhausted with the need or expectation to drag something out of our significant other. If there is a problem, we want to approach a possible solution as quickly as possible, and we cannot do that without knowing what the problem is.
We communicate directly, and we want the same. If you are angry with us, tell us. We may be disappointed, but you will be surprised how quickly we get over it and move towards a solution. If we have to drag it out of you, or find out that the anger has been harbored over time, you will feel a much greater wrath. Not only will we have the original disappointment, we will have increased disappointment simply due to the fact that we were not aware when the problem arose. Pro tip: Don’t do that.
Once you have been with an INTJ for a length of time, you will learn that this just makes things easier, that we often accept your communication without judgement, backlash and we move quickly to resolve it. As a result, everyone is much happier in the end.
INTJs need alone time
This has been the largest source of contempt in past relationships, and it is equally something that will never change. We are the introvert among introverts, we have to recharge and not only is there no reason to, but you should never take this personally. Giving us consistent shit for this need will only drive us away, and to be honest, you would not want to deal with us if we didn’t get enough of this in our lives. We turn into snappy, depressed and exhausted balls of extreme worthlessness without it and it is an essential part of our overall sanity.
Our need for alone time has absolutely nothing to do with you. We don’t want to get away from you and we don’t hate you. God forbid you associate our alone time with needing to “be with someone else” because that couldn’t be further from the truth. Alone time also has nothing to do with leaving the house or leaving you, we just don’t want to have to worry about communicating or feeling the energy-draining aura of another human being.
I may be biased, but I believe that when we are all in, the INTJ makes an ideal partner. If we are not all in, you will know it. We are very loyal, accommodating, supportive and will always communicate honestly. We don’t veil intentions, feelings, anger, thoughts or regard and we can always be trusted.
I will sign off with one final pro tip: If you ask us where we want to eat and we say that we don’t care, we mean it.